The Last Week.. so bittersweet…

Hello all..!
I missed the Friday night deadline due to being in the hospital with my Dad..
I appreciate all the prayers and well wishes.. He came home yesterday afternoon. It was a long weekend for him!
I’ve been collecting my thoughts throughout the week.. as far as watching things just be… observing beings being… doing what they are designed to do..
The one I enjoyed most was a hawk..on a very windy day. He/it was the Jonathan Livingston of Hawks… He was totally enjoying the ride he was taking on the wind. It was beautiful and I was jealous. What that must feel like to ride on the wind they way he was. It was quite awesome!

Another thing I was thinking about throughout the week is our need for each other… how we need to be connected.. and over and over again I was thinking of a song from long ago of Barbra Streisand’s… I loved it then.. and listening to it now… I still love it now.. although, I have to say.. I appreciate and understand it even better now than when I was so young (back when I first loved it…!):

“…And yet letting our grown-up pride
Hide all the need inside..”

That’s what we do as adults, isn’t it?

She said at a break in the song: If only the world knew that….how much we all need each other
How true that is…
When we finally realize the importance of our connectedness…. it is a shining moment as the song says: People who need people… are the luckiest the world !
and as I watched her singing.. she was not working..(talk about the law of least effort..) she was being and doing what she was designed to be and do. And it is just RIGHT.
watch till the end…and see her with her dog… the dog was also being and doing what he was designed to be and do. And it was just RIGHT. It felt right.

That is what we need to listen to.. to pay attention to.
When we can do that… it won’t be work anymore… it will just be what it was meant to be. We will feel it.. we will know.. it will just be right.
Once we turn off all the clatter and clutter. Once we sit with ourselves in silence. and listen. and BE. it will be right.

I have become an observer. I know now, better what to look for, what to listen for… I pay attention to the only barometer that speaks the truth… once we turn off all of the false barometers, we finally hear the beat of our own heart, our own song… our own truth.

We can all be like Jonathan Livingston… and be what we are meant to be.


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In hospital with my Dad

To all of my blog followers:
I am in the hospital with my Dad since Thursday.. He was brought in by ambulance…
I’ve not been able to write my blog yet or do survey.. I will when back home..
I hope to be on webinar tomorrow..
If you are the praying kind, if you’d add my Dad to them I would appreciate it.. His name is Peter Lane
Thank you…


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Week # 23 (or 24? whatever is due 3/21/14!) I Must Do My Thing…

” I Must Do My Thing, just as You Must Do Yours…. I was not brought onto this earth to live up to your expectations, nor were you brought here, to live up to mine. I’m me, and you’re you. And if along the way we find one another, it’s beautiful… ”

That was my mantra as a child… I don’t know when I first read it… (but I was younger than 12 because that’s when my parents split up..and I was reciting it to myself way before that….) or who wrote it… but when I first read it it was the biggest lightbulb moment in my life than ever before…. My mother and I didn’t see eye to eye…about anything, really… it made it very difficult as a child…
For a lot of years I did consider my childhood struggles to be part of the reason why I didn’t do certain things with my life…(for most of my life..I have truly felt ‘not good enough’ )… I know…and have known for a long time that that is not true in the least… but my mantra as a child…is a lesson that I am rediscovering as an almost 6 month student of MKMMA… the truth of this sentiment is ringing louder and louder to me… I MUST DO MY THING… JUST AS YOU MUST DO YOURS !!! We were not brought here to live up to anybody’s expectations…nor was anybody else brought here to live up to mine!!! I MUST DO MY THING… I MUST DO MY THING… I MUST DO MY THING…
The reason my life hasn’t gone the way I would have liked it to go is…. I have not been doing my thing…. my thing has been nowhere in my life… for a long time I thought I had just put it on the back burner…but the truth is… it’s been so long that it hasn’t even been on the stove…or even in the kitchen for that matter… it’s been packed up and all but forgotten in the basement.. and in not doing my thing… I am not being me.

This experience is SO not what I expected…. but before what I was expecting can ever happen…. I MUST DO MY THING….and I must be me.

One day a month or so ago I was home not feeling so well physically… just a nasty cold and overtired… It was during the first week of thinking about how to use pain, guilt, hurt feelings, anger etc. as tools… I came across a You tube video…
“Who You Are”
I stare at my reflection in the mirror:
“Why am I doing this to myself?”
Losing my mind on a tiny error,
I nearly left the real me on the shelf.
No, no, no, no, no…
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
(who you are [11x])
Brushing my hair—do I look perfect?
I forgot what to do to fit the mould, yeah!
The more I try the less it’s working, yeah
‘Cause everything inside me screams
No, no, no, no, no…
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay.
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
But tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
There’s nothing wrong with who you are!
Yes, no, egos, fake shows, like whoa!
Just go and leave me alone!
Real talk, real life, good love, goodnight,
With a smile that’s my home!
That’s my home, no…
No, no, no, no, no…
Don’t lose who you are in the blur of the stars!
Seeing is deceiving, dreaming is believing,
It’s okay not to be okay…
Sometimes it’s hard to follow your heart.
Tears don’t mean you’re losing, everybody’s bruising,
Just be true to who you are!
Yeah yeah yeah

I related so well to the message of these words… at about 14 I wrote my own poem… (shared in a much earlier blog) that battles with many of these same questions…. watching the girl in the video…and knowing she was pouring her heart out in song exposing the pain she had felt by being bullied… I saw this as an example of how to use pain as a tool….

Now… after almost 6 months with MKMMA… I actually woke up one morning this week with the part of this song that we all know…going through my mind:

I have never known all the words to the song… only the words of the title… and that is what I woke up with playing in my head this week… because that is how I feel when I apply everything we are learning… to my life and to my self…to me.
I have rediscovered myself and I am taking the time to get to know her all over again… and to nurture her and encourage her to grow… and to be, and to do, and to have… all that I want… all that I choose…

When I do that.. when I am true to who I am…
I’ve got the power!!!


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Week # 23 The sound of silence….

I have to confess that this week I am behind on my readings…my week has been so much busier than usual….and my 2 days of silence…were a success as far as being totally silent… Only when my youngest daughter asked me at the end of the first day: “Mom, will you at least tell me ‘Goodnight and I love you’ when I go to bed? ” I shook my head yes, hugged her..and when she went to bed I told her “goodnight and I love you!”…
The discoveries I had were more towards the beginning of the silence… as it went on…I got ‘used to it’ and everyone around me…just knew I wasn’t talking so I was more or less ignored… plans were made without me later on the first day… halfway through the second day we all went to a movie and then got something to eat… I carried a whiteboard with me so if I had to communicate something I did that way… I wonder… does that count then? if I was communicating that way? That was the evening of the second day… when I did that… it was a relief to be able to talk again the next day… and I didn’t contemplate as much as I would have liked to …because I still had my acts of service to get done… it made me really wish I could go on a retreat though… I guess it was a ‘makeshift retreat’…the first couple of hours were the most revealing to me…. My 2 entries for Week 22 explain better!
I’m sorry… I have had long days of acts of service this week and my brain is tired…! Right now, this is my best…


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Week 22 (Post # 2) Adjusting to silence….

I wanted to not write until the talk-fast is over, but I don’t want to loose my thoughts that I’m having in my silence…so I am going to write them here because I want to share what I learn through the process..

OK…. I’m only 2 hours into the silence and already I’ve learned a few things…
1. People engage in their communication with you more when they know you won’t be speaking.. they look into your eyes and try to ‘read’ you … they pay attention more.. It won’t work to yell from another room… they have to be PRESENT to you if they would like to communicate with you…
2. When we are able to be silent… WE ARE ABLE TO CONTROL OURSELVES…(This is HUGE for me).. We have time to think…(before responding).. for these 2 days, I am barely responding… a nod, a shrug … or perhaps a note on a whiteboard… but only if necessary.. if we can be silent..we can WAIT to respond to ANYTHING….and only respond when we figure out EXACTLY what it is we want to..put out there…
3. I realized this assignment coincides with LENT… (I don’t practice it… I consider myself protestant..but my husband does). It makes me wonder if that was intentional.. during Lent….we are denying ourselves something as a way to respect and honor what Christ did for us…actually let me look up an ‘official’ explanation…:
” The traditional purpose of Lent is the preparation of the believer through prayer, penance, repentance of sins, almsgiving, atonement and self-denial. Its institutional purpose is heightened in the annual commemoration of Holy Week, marking the death, burial and resurrection of Jesus, which recalls the tradition and events of the New Testament beginning on Friday of Sorrows, further climaxing on Jesus’ crucifixion on Good Friday, which ultimately culminates in the joyful celebration on Easter Sunday of the Resurrection of Jesus Christ.”

and another:

” Lent is a time when many Christians prepare for Easter by observing a period of fasting, repentance, moderation and spiritual discipline. The purpose is to set aside time for reflection on Jesus Christ – his suffering and his sacrifice, his life, death, burial and resurrection. ”

We are denying ourselves communication with others… almost like we will be in a meditative or prayer-like mode… being successful with this exercise will provide us the (spiritual?) discipline of self control…perhaps the culmination of our communication fast will be the resurrection of our(true)selves…
I will keep adding to this as the silence continues..and the gold ensues…


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Week # 22 (# 1) Silence is GOLDEN…. I’m anticipating a gold rush!!!

I am SO LOOKING FORWARD to 2 days of silence on my part… My husband and my children know that I will not be speaking or texting or emailing… I can and will point…shake my head and possibly answer a question that may come up for someone to me but I am basically unavailable for conversation…. I imagine I may be writing thoughts (for me… or discoveries to share here…) I plan on doing my regular acts of service … laundry, meals etc… for the weekend.. but I plan on focusing somewhat on photographing some drawings of mine with a camera, not a phone..and I won’t be sending until after this weekend…to post on an auction website (as a sample of my work) that our PTO has every year for my daughter’s elementary school…and maybe doing some drawing… Which is what I have been unearthing in this incredible process of re-discovery….Eve sleeping
Here are a few samples, I thought I’d share… I’m putting my me out there.. these are very … much a part of me… and this is what I’ve had buried for too long…
I took these with my phone.. they are not high quality photos….but I’m not so savvy when it comes to technology..and transferring etc from the camera is a process I have to figure out.. for now, I’m putting this part of me out there… It feels liberating, while at the same time…vulnerable..?
But I’m going for it…

I will post more over the weekend..actually, I can’t.. no computer… I’ll have to wait until Monday… but I am WAY behind on sleep right now…and need to get some soon.. In the peace of silence…I am anticipating a gold rush!
To be continued…


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Week # 21 (Post # 2) ” I ” Contact…

The ‘ I’s ‘ are the window to the soul…!

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